Some of you may remember how back in November of last year I made a post about my element switching to fire (original post: http://confessionsofacraftywitch.blogspot.com/2009/11/wellnow-that-was-interesting.html). I've been air. I've been water. In each I have been quiet, patient, waiting to assess the full situation before making any comment/action. I has long been my habit to let it slide, or just walk away. I was the master of just letting it roll off my back.
I was NEVER rude, impulsive, easily irritated, rash, easily baited, quick to anger, self-serving, or selfish, and I NEVER was snippy if I was pissed off by something.
But now that I'm fire I AM.
And it's pissing me off!!
I've hurt my friends, insulted the love of my life, reduced my beloved sister to hysterical sobs...and while I do feel guilty, I'm quickly consumed with self-righteous anger. "It's not my fault!" the anger shouts "I've got a life and thoughts too! Why the hell should I cow-tow to their whims? It's not like my thoughts don't matter!!"
The anger does have a point. I've never asserted myself. Never gave thought to myself if someone else needed something, even if it majorly inconvenienced me. Others have always gotten the priority, others were always right, and I was just so damn grateful that they were in my life in the first place that I never even MENTIONED that I had to study for a major final the next day and couldn't really afford to drive them two hours to Chicago so they could make a date.
But suddenly now if there's some small injustice, or just something that pisses me off, I'm belligerent, rude, ungracious, insulting. There's all this emotion and passion that I've NEVER had to deal with before in my life, and I just don't know how to deal with it! My love can't even be sarcastic anymore without my blowing up at him! How on earth do I DEAL with all of this???
Yes, there are benefits to being Fire. I'm actually speaking my mind. When I got majorly shafted the other day at work I went and talked with my manager about it instead of just stewing in my self-pity and misery. And for the first time in my life I actually want to have sex because I actually enjoy it. I'm passionate, I'm creative, I laugh loud and long and sing and dance for the sheer joy of life!
But I step on a loooooot of toes on the way. I no longer know how to handle a situation because I just get so consumed with anger. I've always avoided anger like the plague, because I've never been able to see anything positive coming from anger. I never wanted to hurt the people around me like anger has hurt me. But now at the slightest infraction up it flares, screaming for "My way! MY WAY!!!!". Sometimes I love myself, sometimes I can't stand myself.
The worst part of all is I have no idea how to handle the anger. NO IDEA. I've always kept it so very tightly sealed in a tiny little box. Before I became fire I had only ever been truly angry 4 times in my life. Irritated, yes. Angry, never. But then, when I was angry before, it was very very dangerous. While I never let myself get violent, I considered it. It was only with locking every muscle in my body sometimes that I didn't do anything.
Now that I'm fire and get angry all the time, its not nearly as potent, violent, or dangerous. I hurt people emotionally yes, I insult them, and I hate myself a bit for it, but I would never do physical harm. Well, to them at least. At this point the only method I have that remotely manages the anger is to clench my fists so hard that my nails break the skin of my palm. Yeah, I know that's not a good thing at all, but right now it's all I have.
...hm, I imagine there are a few readers out there going "whoa whoa whoa! Where did all of this come from Leathra? You're always so happy and calm!" Umm...well I'm not ALWAYS angry, and when I am I don't usually let it get to the public sphere. Oh...wait, you're asking why I'm talking about this in the first place? Why that's quite simple.
As the title suggests, I just got pissy/insulting on someone else again, only this time it happened in the blogosphere. I've already written the person in question an apology email, but I was so pissed with MYSELF that I felt the need to post about my issues.
I know that I'll figure out how to truly be fire eventually--this is all just a part of the becoming process. Still, the transition from Air to Water was painless and happened without my notice. My reforging from Water into Fire, however, is full of blood, sweat, and tears. And anger. Lots and lots of anger. I know I'll get there eventually...it's a matter of time and experience. But it's not easy. Gods know what will happen when it's time to become Earth!